Bill wasn’t happy at all about it. He just felt he had little choice when his wife asked him to move out of the house... for a little while, she had said. What did a little while mean, though? Was their marriage over? Bill had asked his wife, who had answered only that they could just treat it as a separation. She had added to see how it goes. But what was he supposed to do while they were separated? And what was she doing? It all felt like a bad dream to Bill.

Definition

Separation has both legal and social meanings. The social aspect of separation is just what it sounds like: the separated spouses are living apart. In this instance, though, to say that a couple is separated means that they are living apart by choice rather than due to circumstances, such as a job or military assignment. They’re still married, but something, presumably some kind of internal strain in the relationship, has them living apart. Neither has filed for divorce. They might be on their way toward divorce, but who knows? They might instead be on their way back together. Yet separation also has a legal meaning, explained further below, in which the spouses living apart recognize various obligations to support one another under their separate living circumstances. In both its social and legal form, separation is a sort of halfway house, either toward divorce or toward reconciliation. One study indicates, though, that nearly four out of five couples who separate eventually go on to divorce. Only a little more than one in five separated couples resume living together long term, as a married couple.

Duration

Separation does not offer any specific timeline other than ones that the separated spouses themselves adopt or impose. Spouses could, in theory, remain separated indefinitely. Some do. They remain married but living apart for years, even for decades. One study found that the average first separation for married couples lasted four years, which seems like a long time. In fact, long separations apparently distort that figure. One out of about fourteen couples separating remain separated for over a decade. The same study reported that most couples initially separating remain separated for under one year. If one looks only at those couples who moved on to divorce, the average separation lasted three years, still a long time. If one looks only at the reuniters, the average separation lasted just two years. Significantly, among the thousands of couples studied, none reunited after a separation of over three years. That last figure may be the most important. Apparently, separation has, for the vast majority of couples if not all couples, a point of no return. Separation doesn’t necessarily mean eventually divorcing. But separation for a long period may mean never getting back together.

Personal

Spouses can have several personal reasons for separating rather than either divorcing or remaining married in the same home. One reason is for a cooling off or cooling down period after a severe disruption, such as an instance or threat of abuse, criminal charge, or discovery or disclosure of infidelity. Another reason may be that one spouse needs a recovery period, whether from illness, injury, addiction, or another traumatic, disabling, or impairing condition or event. Usually, the other spouse’s presence aids in the recovery, but not always. The other spouse’s presence may instead be a distraction and embarrassment for the recovering spouse, and a shock and undue burden for the other spouse. Separation may be especially appropriate under these circumstances if the recovering spouse has in-home professional care providers supplying attendant care of which the other spouse is incapable. 

Developmental

Some spouses also separate with the specific intent of reconciling. They may have discerned and agreed that they need to work on their marriage and that the best way to do so is to live temporarily apart. One spouse may go to live with a brother or sister, or back home with parents, to get their head together or get their act together, with the other spouse’s full support. Separations can even involve one spouse going to work for a summer on a ranch, taking an intense residential graduate-education program in another city, or taking a long sailing, hiking, camping, or biking adventure, while the other spouse stays at home. In those sorts of cases, the couple may not describe their time apart as a separation, although they both may know that their common purpose for being apart had more to do with their improving, healing, or preserving their marriage than with any abiding interest in adventure. In other words, some couples conceal their separation, either from one another or from nosy others, by appearing to pursue other professed interests, with the hope of personal growth and marital reconciliation.

Assessment

Separation is likely more common for spouses who are trying to assess whether to remain married. Some spouses separate knowing full well that their marriage is in deep trouble. Indeed, they’re separating to assess whether or not they can save their marriage. When saying their goodbyes upon their separation, they may even suspect that the goodbyes are probably final. But they’re willing to commit to one another that their separation is to determine whether that is the case. They may have openly discussed divorce but agreed that the time was not right to make that decision. Living apart for a time might teach them both that their marriage means more to them than they thought and that upon reuniting, they can modify their behaviors, activities, and commitments to make it work. 

Preparation

Preparing to divorce, though, is another big reason spouses admit when separating. Divorce is a big step. Divorce can take substantial logistics. It’s not just arranging for new housing for at least one spouse and perhaps both spouses. It’s also dividing kitchenware, silverware, toiletries, furniture, furnishings, and all other essentials to make two households out of one household. Divorcing, and separating in anticipation of divorce, may also require securing transportation for one or the other spouse, when they previously shared transportation. It may involve resettling children into new parent relationships and routines. It can also involve resettling pets. Divorcing also involves making two household budgets out of one household budget, entailing further adjustments and allocations of accounts, incomes, and bills. Handling all those logistics among several others, while also handling a divorce proceeding, can simply be too much. Separation can manage logistics initially, while also providing a dry run for divorce.

Financial

Marital finances, just briefly mentioned, can be their own reason for spouses to remain married, even if they decide that they must or should separate for their health, safety, peace, or sanity. Marriage is a powerful economic engine, joining two distinct skill sets into one joint enterprise. Married couples may build up substantial businesses and other assets, or incur substantial debts, needing their joint management, which they’ve grown accustomed to doing as a married couple. Married couples may also have significant financial relationships and expectations with other family members, in business, property, and inheritance, again dependent in part on the continuity if not also the stability and vitality of their marriage. Or one spouse may simply be dependent financially on the other spouse, with both spouses reluctant to turn that dependency into a spousal support (alimony) obligation in divorce. That dependence may reflect itself in housing, food, clothing, health insurance coverage, life insurance beneficiary designations, pension beneficiary rights, and retirement-savings interests. Although a divorce could provide for an allocation of assets, liabilities, and support obligations, some couples may choose instead to separate while remaining married, to preserve their common and separate financial interests.

Social

Married couples can also have substantial social reasons to separate rather than divorce. Marriages exist within a web of relationships supporting both the marriage and each individual spouse. Disrupting those relationships with a divorce may result in their loss, not only for the marriage but also for each individual spouse. It can be hard, for example, to go to dinner again with the same friends with whom a married couple dined, after their divorce. Social and recreational outings as a married couple, even if separated, may preserve those community relationships, while also keeping the spouses connected and healthy. Separation over divorce may also preserve public and professional trust and confidence, extending beyond the social realm into jobs and careers. Think of how divorce might affect your full web of relationships, and consider whether separation might affect them differently or not at all.

Spiritual

Separation rather than divorce may have spiritual significance for other married couples. Couples can take their ceremonial and religious marriage vows seriously, while respecting injunctions like to let no one divide what God puts together. They may also desire to retain their roles, position, and standing within faith communities that would limit or alter those roles in the event of divorce. Separation may preserve the marriage and possibility of reconciliation, while preserving roles within close communities of significant spiritual, religious, and ritual practice. Couples can have good personal, financial, social, and spiritual reasons to separate rather than divorce. 

Legal

While separation can mean any one or more of several things to the spouses, separation has its own definition in the law. Most states recognize some form of legal separation, although terms and conditions for legal separation vary among the states. States not recognizing legal separation would still, of course, permit spouses to separate without divorcing. Those states just don’t give any special legal status or recourse to separated spouses. In other states that do recognize legal separation, either spouse may file a civil court petition asking the court to issue orders recognizing the separation and providing for certain relief. Relief may take the form of orders for child custody and support, parenting time, property division, and spousal support, much as in a divorce case. Indeed, if the parties separate under such court orders and later decide to divorce, those separation orders may bind the parties in the divorce, unless their circumstances have changed. Separation can thus cast the die for a later divorce. Some states place a limit on the duration of a separation order, such as one year, after which the parties must either reconcile, divorce, or just lose the ability to enforce the separation order.

Maintenance

A few states recognize a more-limited form of legal separation known as separate maintenance. A separate-maintenance action permits a spouse to obtain a court order for child custody and support, and spousal support, but not a full division of marital property. Separate maintenance is thus a step short of a full legal separation. Spouses tend to file a separate-maintenance case when needing to live apart but unable to do so financially, for lack of access to marital accounts or a lack of support that the other spouse has refused, when both spouses are still uncertain about the advisability of proceeding with a divorce. Reconciliation may be possible or even likely, despite the spouses’ inability to agree on separate support. Indeed, the spouse refusing the support may be doing so because opposing both divorce and separation. 

Reconciliation

In the event of reconciliation after legal separation, the parties may consent to dismissal of the civil court case for separation. The orders in that case would then abate, leaving the parties to proceed as a married couple living together, unrestricted by court orders. Reconciliation may be permanent or long term, or it may be short, followed by a second or subsequent separation. Or rather than separating a second or subsequent time, the parties may proceed straight to a divorce. Statistically, for most couples, separation is clearly a slippery slope toward divorce. For other couples, though, separation can be the critical step toward lasting reconciliation. The separating spouses may not at all know in which direction they are headed. But separation is its own personal, social, and in many states legal status. Inform yourself about separation before taking that step. There can be a lot to it, as the above information shows.

Key Points

• Separation involves a married couple living apart by choice.

• Separations can last anywhere from a brief to a very long duration.

• Spouses separate for personal reasons to avoid or recover from trauma.

• Spouses also separate for their development and maturation.

• Spouses also separate to assess whether they should remain married.

• Spouses also separate to prepare logistically for divorce.

• Spouses separate rather than divorce for financial reasons.

• Spouses separate rather than divorce for social and spiritual reasons.

• Many states recognize legal separation or separate maintenance.

• Those states may issue child custody, support, and property orders.

• Legal separation orders may influence or control divorce judgments.

• Reconciliation after legal separation results in dismissal of orders.

Read Chapter 7.