Greg hadn’t expected his balance of work and family to be as challenging as it was. He was already working when he and his wife married. Greg didn’t think having children would change things much. But it did. Their first child demanded their full attention at home. Having a second child compounded their household obligations. Greg’s work didn’t change. Yet Greg suddenly seemed like he wasn’t at home as much as he should be. And when he was home, Greg didn’t feel as if he was contributing as much as he should be. He and wife did alright, but it sure wasn’t easy.
Employment
Families generally need earned income to survive and thrive. A good family life doesn’t depend on riches. Family life doesn’t necessarily get better with more money coming into the household. A simple life with simple pleasures can be more peaceful, intimate, and enjoyable than a life filled with the distractions of material things. Yet the quality of your family life may depend at least in part on a steady household income, sufficient to provide securely for the basics in life. And a little extra income can at times add to a family’s opportunities, adventures, and security. You and your spouse should, from your family budget, have clear expectations for the income your household needs and clear plans for acquiring that income. Make those plans for income, whether through traditional employment, your own family business, or other work of some kind, a key part of your plans for a good family life. One or both spouses working for a living to provide for a good family life can be a natural and healthy activity for a family. The best family life isn’t necessarily one that requires no effort to earn income.
Managing
Yet keep a good balance of work and family life. Working for a living may seem like a natural, necessary, and logical activity, in the midst of family life. But expect to regularly manage your workload, and help your spouse do so as well, to maintain a good family life. When you’re single and without a family, you can just work and let the rest take care of itself. No one is waiting at home for you, wondering whether you care more for them or for your work. Marriage and family life changes that dynamic, instantly giving work a superior competitor for your time, energy, and efforts. You and your spouse must manage employment or other income-producing work obligations in ways that ensure that your family members have priority family time and attention. Don’t expect that dynamic to care for itself. Continually monitor how your family members are managing work schedules.
Divisions
To fulfill both the family’s need for earned income and the family’s need for household services, divisions of labor between spouses can be necessary and appropriate. Families can depend on substantial household services in addition to substantial earned income. If both spouses work full-time outside the home earning income, both spouses must also contribute to household services. One spouse cannot easily both work full time and provide all the home’s household services. Yet even if one spouse earns all the income while the other spouse is at home full time, both spouses should likely contribute to household services. Family household services can, in other words, take more than one spouse’s full time. A sensitive and respectful division of spousal labors, both outside the home earning income and inside the home earning income from home or providing household services, is a key ingredient to a healthy and enjoyable family life. Inequitable divisions of labor, one way or the other, are an unfortunate but relatively common irritant and stumbling block for a healthy and enjoyable family life.
Homemaking
Having one spouse devote full-time to homemaking while the other spouse earns all or nearly all of the family’s income can be a great choice, indeed a great privilege, for some families. A full-time homemaking spouse can substantially improve meals and nutrition, child attention and care, support of the children’s school and homework, and general housekeeping. A full-time homemaking spouse isn’t possible or even preferable for all families. Both spouses may have to earn incomes at various times or may want or need to do so to sustain skills, connections, and careers. If your family would do better with you or your spouse in the home full time, but your family’s budget needs two incomes, consider finding some part-time home-based employment in which the homemaking spouse can engage. Alternatively, see if the employed spouse has promotion, overtime, or side-job opportunities that would fulfill the family’s income needs, or if your family can reduce expenses. Value a full-time homemaking spouse, if that’s your family’s best arrangement.
Assistance
Sometimes, though, the problem isn’t simply making an equitable division of household labor. In some households, at certain times, the demands are too numerous and too great on spouses to fulfill housekeeping needs, even with their best and constant devotion. Those times of extra work and accompanying spousal stress can include caring for newborns and infants, caring for multiple young children at a time, caring for disabled or ill family members having special needs, or caring for elderly parents and children at the same time. Those times of extra work and accompanying spousal stress can also include when a spouse earning income has extra work demands such as overtime hours or overnight work travel. Gutting it through short periods of extra spousal work, whether in or outside of the home, may be necessary and appropriate. But extra demands that last long term may require adjustments. Getting temporary household assistance may be an option. Even a basic cleaning service, or a little daily help from a nearby family member such as a grandparent, aunt, uncle, or adult sibling, may sufficiently lighten the load. Setting aside other obligations, recreations, or opportunities, if only for a time, may also help. Don’t ignore the overload, though. Don’t let overload become a long-term or permanent thing.
Balance
A good family life presumes a healthy balance between work and home life. A spouse engaged in full-time employment or self-employment has substantial obligations to fulfill beyond the direct interests of the family. Yet the spouse in full-time employment is still a key member of the family whose love, care, interest, presence, society, and devotion the family needs to feel. The income that spouse provides is, for the other spouse and older children, a solid indication of care, interest, and devotion. But all family members, and young children in particular, need the income-earning spouse’s physical, mental, and emotional presence in and around the home at reliable times. Money isn’t enough. Money isn’t a complete substitute for love, interest, and affection. Working overtime hours into the evenings or on weekends may be necessary at times. But if at all possible, resist making substantial continuous overtime hours a habit, practice, or necessity. The spouse who works more extra hours than will allow for substantial regular family time subtly or overtly indicates a preference for work over family. Don’t let work become your mistress. You won’t get back those family years. Respect your family’s need for your devotion.
Accommodations
One way to accommodate a heavier-than-desired work schedule may be through shifting work hours to non-family time. For a spouse who works outside the home all day on weekdays, the weekday dinner hour and early evenings can be critical family time. The homemaking spouse and children haven’t seen the employed spouse all day. They need that spouse’s home time. Yet an hour around dinner and a couple more hours afterward may be sufficient to fulfill the family’s needs, with dining, clean-up help, recreation time, homework time, and spousal time. By later in the evening, everyone may be in bed, when the employed spouse may be able to devote an extra couple of hours of natural solitude to employment activities. Early morning hours may be another time to get to work early, to free up family time in the evenings and on the weekends. Weekends can also have periods when other family members are gainfully occupied, when the employed spouse may be able to get in some work. In short, if you need to put in extra hours, try working around regular family times. Doing so shows your family members that they are your priority.
Commitment
The spouse earning household income through full-time employment must keep a healthy work/family balance in mind. Yet the other family members should respect the spouse’s need to give due attention to the job to earn a secure and reasonable living. Respect that the spouse who is earning household income through employment or other work, outside the home or in home-based remote work or self-employment, must devote responsible time and effort to it. Employers don’t just write paychecks for the fun of it. Secure and financially rewarding employment requires a level of commitment from whichever spouse is engaged in the employment. Civil discussions between spouses over work balance, accommodations, and options are appropriate. But avoid disrespecting the employed spouse’s effort to maintain secure and gainful employment. Doing so may be stressful enough, without having to justify to a doubting spouse or other family member the strenuous effort it takes.
Absences
Work absences are inevitable for some families, for example those families with a spouse having periodic military training or call ups, or a spouse whose work requires extensive overnight travel. A spouse’s absence even for just a single overnight can significantly disrupt family rhythms, especially for a family with children needing help getting to bed and school transportation or other support in the mornings that usually requires both spouses. Absences of a spouse for periods of several days or more can completely break family rhythms. Plan thoughtfully to reduce the inevitable stress of such absences. If you can, arrange for the home assistance or transportation help of a nearby grandparent or other family member, or close and trusted friends connected with school, work, or church. Contract for a meal service, grocery deliveries, lawn care, snow removal, house-cleaning service, or other household services to reduce the extra burden on the stay-at-home spouse. Plan regular communications between spouses to ensure that both spouses feel supported, safe, and secure. Make work absences a positive family challenge and adventure, celebrated by the absent spouse’s return home.
Advancement
The work/family balance that you and your spouse negotiate isn’t necessarily a zero-sum game. Earning more income doesn’t mean having less family time. You may be able to have both more income and more family time. Some families preserve or improve family time while also increasing income, with a job change or job promotion. You or your spouse may be able to apply for and gain a promotion and pay increase at a current job, complete additional training or education for a job promotion or better job, or obtain a key credential for a pay increase, without any increase in work hours. You or your spouse may even find a job that requires less time but provides the same or greater pay. Completing additional training or education to gain a new credential for a better job may require a sacrifice in the short term but provide substantial long-term gains in income and family time. You and your spouse may seek jobs and plan careers not just for their intrinsic or financial rewards but also for their conduciveness to a good family life. Many spouses do so, and they are often the spouses with the best family life.
Reflection
How are you and your spouse doing with earning an adequate income to maintain a good family life? How are you and your spouse doing with maintaining a healthy work and family life balance? Do either of you need to spend more time and effort earning an income or less time and effort earning an income, or have you both got the balance about right? Could either of you shift some work hours to give one another and your children more or better family time? Are each of you contributing adequately to household services, recognizing your obligations for earning income? What adjustments might you need to make to ensure that household duties get done without substantial undue burden on either spouse? Would getting household help, whether from a family member or commercial service, be possible and wise? If more income is a need, how can you best fulfill that need, without adversely impacting household services or family time? Would additional training or education, or an additional credential or job change, enable one of you to earn more income without increasing work time?
Key Points
Earned income is generally a household necessity for which to plan.
Deliberately manage the balance between work and family life.
Suitably divide work and household services between spouses.
Value the substantial contributions of a full-time homemaking spouse.
Get extra household help when work and household overwhelm.
Spouses can help one another keep a good work and family balance.
Respect the commitment that earning an income requires.
Plan extra household help when work calls a spouse away for days.
Consider a job change to increase income or reduce work time.