The moment Victoria let her brand-new fiancé slip the engagement ring on her finger, she felt a rush of panic about the whole process of getting from where she precariously stood to the steadying domestic routines on the other side of the wedding. She wished she could skip the whole process in favor of the wedded bliss she anticipated on the other side. But later that night, when she was alone and had time to think, Victoria assessed her panic to take a healthier view. She knew that the next weeks and months were important in their own way. She even felt that how she handled this transition time might in the big picture have a significant influence on her marriage.
Process
Moving from deciding to marry and whom to marry, to being married, is definitely a process. That period of immense transition from single life to married life can and perhaps should be a highly elaborate process for many of us. The idea of let’s just get married has the allure of simplicity to it. The KISS design goal, referring to the well-worn mantra keep it simple, stupid, can be a helpful guide in the marriage process. First obsessing, and soon negatively emoting, over elaborate wedding plans can turn the joy, anticipation, and exhilaration one should feel about getting married into dread over the actual event. On the other hand, that whole traditional process from courtship and engagement to telling the parents, setting the wedding date, securing the venue, attending the bridal shower, and planning and going through with the happy event, inevitably plays a significant if not huge role in forming the marital relationship. At its best, the marriage process lays a solid foundation for the marriage itself. That’s a good way to view its purpose, not simply to get from here to there but to plant the footings for the marriage.
Eloping
Nothing highlights the significance of the process of marrying more than the phenomenon of eloping. To elope is to suddenly engage in a secretive marriage ceremony in a flight away from home, without the knowledge of family members. Traditionally, eloping was to escape from parents who would have forbidden marriage or from other circumstances that would have prevented it. Today, eloping, growing in popularity, may have more to do with avoiding the high cost and stress of elaborate weddings and their preparations. The opinions of parents mean less, but the costs and stresses mean more. So some couples just elope. But eloping, while keeping things simple, by definition eliminates both the preparations and the parental and other community involvement. Many marriages can benefit from both preparation and community celebration and support. Elope if you must or if you judge it plainly better. But you may find that some sensible limitations on preparations, especially a sensible wedding budget and a reasonable limit on the number of guests, will make the whole affair sufficiently manageable to reduce the stress, while preserving the benefits of the process.
Averages
Interestingly, studies exist of the correlation between eloping and the duration of the marriage, and of the correlation between elaborate wedding expenditures and the duration of the marriage. One study showed that eloping couples have divorce rates more than ten times higher than couples following traditional wedding plans. Something about eloping might suggest weaker matrimonial bonds. Surprised? Not surprised?! Another study has shown that spending virtually nothing on an engagement ring correlates with higher divorce rates. Surprised? Not surprised?! Other studies have shown that spending far more than the average wedding costs, and far more than the average engagement ring costs, also correlates with higher divorce rates. Surprised? Not surprised?! Statistically, average wedding and engagement ring expenditures tend to suggest more-enduring marriages. So, if you want to thread the statistical needle, be sensible and traditional, not extreme. Tradition in marriage procedures, as in so many other things, continually proves its worth.
Statistics
Take these statistics, though, with more than a grain of salt. They’re drawn from only a handful of studies. And correlation does not mean causation. You might figure that overspending on a wedding increases financial stress, which increases the likelihood of divorce. But you might instead figure that overspending on a wedding indicates issues with prioritization, focus, values, overcompensation, and indiscipline. Or maybe couples with less money to spend on a wedding simply can’t later afford a divorce. Who really knows? For another example, high-earning couples have lower divorce rates than low-earning couples. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that money solves marriage problems. It may instead mean that good marriages make for good higher marital income, which, if so, would make sense. Or it could be a mix of both, that good marriages enable couples to earn more, while the money they earn reduces financial stresses contributing to divorce. Who really knows? When seeing a correlation, always look both ways for the cause. And always keep in mind that statistics only give the big picture in aggregate without saying anything about what will actually happen in any particular marriage, including yours. Your marriage may be the exception to the correlations, as many marriages are.
Courtship
Calling the marriage process courtship seems quaint, doesn’t it? Does anyone court anymore? But whether one calls it dating, courtship, or just getting to know one another, some such process must generally lead up to the point of committing to marry. One doesn’t just meet a stranger with the greeting how ‘bout we marry? Even if you’ve known since childhood the one whom you intend to marry, getting from acquaintance to friendship and friendship to engagement takes some approach. That slow, circling approach to engagement may benefit from some indirect communication on the subject of marriage, even if only commitment-seeking communicative behaviors rather than direct discussion. Depending on the relationship, talking openly about marriage may be fine, or it may instead be premature, insensitive, awkward, and off-putting. Think of courtship, then, as that time of communicating one’s interest in exploring commitment without explicitly discussing it, giving both participants the opportunity to enjoy and intuitively assess the ritualistic dance.
Rituals
Thinking of the process of getting from friendship to proposal, or courtship, as involving ritual can help you enjoy and properly conduct the process. Ritual helps us navigate everything, not just formal or traditional processes like courtship. You cannot brush your teeth in the morning or greet a friend on the street, without instantly and unconsciously relying on ritual. Ritual is the unarticulated habitual process guiding behavior toward predictable ends. The more significant the ends, like the decision and commitment to marry, the more elaborate the ritual. Think, for instance, of the conduct generally expected around a first formal date. An informal meeting of two individuals who might already be thinking of courting one another and of at least a far-off potential for marriage might have very little ritual about it. Your attire, demeanor, transportation, activity, payment, conduct, and parting may all be largely spontaneous, unrehearsed, and unpredictable. Yet not so on a first formal date, where every last hitch of the belt, tug on the shirt or blouse, and brush or twist of the curled hair can feel as if it bears significance. How you greet one another, who drives, where you go, what you do, how you conduct yourself, and how, when, and where you part are all part of a ritual saturated with cultural meanings and hints. You don’t have to be a master of etiquette to recognize, respect, and enjoy the rituals. They’re there, whether you know and like it or not. You may as well lean into them. Doing so can show not only your insight but also your interest, sensitivity, and respect. Abandon ritual at the risk of offense.
Proposal
The actual proposal to marry is itself a highly ritualized act, as it needs to be to properly accomplish its end, which is to respectfully gain a voluntary and formal commitment to marry. Think clearly of that end. You’d likely rather not stumble into your engagement with a jarring or confusingly vague proposal that elicits a stumbling, hesitant, or confusing response. Follow the ritual to avoid those pains. For instance, several good reasons may be behind the practice that the man proposes to the woman. But the reasons may matter less than the ritual. Likewise, several good reasons may be behind the ritual that the man might inquire of the woman, in advance of the proposal, that if he were to propose, would she like him to ask her father first. Again, though, the reasons may not matter. The ritual gives the parties another way to navigate not only the making of the proposal but also the timing of the sharing of the proposal with the bride’s parents. Good reasons may also support the practice of the man presenting an engagement ring at the moment of the proposal. But again, the reasons may not matter. Instead, the ritual provides a framework around which the man can safely navigate their way toward and through the proposal. If, for instance, he’s as yet unsure of her marital interest or aware of how little she likes surprises, he might choose to inquire about her ring size or preferences, when her responses might give him appropriate incentive and direction. Think of how sensitive these steps are, involving the deepest feelings and closest relationships. So, respect the rituals that surround a marriage proposal. Coming up with something spontaneous or surprising could be fun. But rejecting the rituals hazards confusion and offense, when both can be crippling to the engagement.
Engagement
The period of engagement is itself an enormously significant time when a great deal can and probably should happen in a relatively ordered manner, to aid and ease the nuptials. Engagement may sound like a dreamy period awaiting the exhilaration and satisfaction of wedded bliss. That may be so, but that’s certainly not all that the engagement period entails. Once the engagement is on, the couple must first let others know, in a proper order before they find out from someone else and take offense. How the couple does so, and the order in which they do so, helps the couple to recognize and respect the priority of one another’s family and friend relationships, and the nature and extent of their overlapping and separate communities. The couple must then begin to plan the location in which they will live, the housing they will occupy, the education they will complete or abandon, and the jobs they will hold, seek, or give up. They must gradually plan the integration of their finances, including such mundane but important things as health and auto insurance, and have at least a preliminary sense of their marital monthly budget, to make the necessary decisions about housing, jobs, and education. Even for a young couple with barely a nickel between them, these highly practical steps can take some real thought, discussion, negotiation, and compromise, to reach agreement. Embrace the challenge, and make the necessary effort.
Wedding
The wedding itself generally gets the attention, when as you’ve just seen the engaged couple has a lot of other good work to do to get their marriage started off right. But the wedding itself is still hugely important. Married couples probably soon forget the planning that necessarily went into knitting their separate lives together. They won’t forget the wedding. Choosing the wedding date, venue, theme, rehearsal, number of guests, dress, bride and groom parties, invitees, officiant, and details of the vows are each significant matters in their own rights. The couple’s close and supportive communication over each of these matters prepares, forms, confirms, and strengthens the marital bond. Again, don’t think of these particulars primarily as matters to check off a list. Think of them instead as rituals to welcome, entertain, celebrate, respect, and enjoy precisely because they are facilitating the marital bond. Make and collect the memories, whether sweet, precious, humorous, hilarious, or prescient of good things to come. Of course, budget wisely for the wedding, recognizing that lavish expense isn’t at all the point. Remember that how you navigate the wedding may be a lot like how you will navigate the marriage, including focusing on your care for one another, involving not indulgence in one another’s excesses but stewardship of one another’s gifts.
Counseling
A prior chapter mentioned the tradition of premarital counseling of the engaged couple well in advance of the wedding ceremony. The counseling might be a single brief session, more as a formality and ritual than an investigation and help, or instead a series of sessions with homework in between. The officiant you choose for your wedding ceremony may, if a cleric, require it. Even if not, consider pursuing it. You and your fiancé may learn something, if not about marriage in general then about one another. While it might be perfunctory or even abstruse, depending on the skill, insight, and commitment of the counselor, it could instead be another one of those surprisingly satisfying, solemn, even magical once-in-a-lifetime moments you share with your spouse. If the counselor badly misses the mark, such as for not knowing either one of you well enough to opine, as happened in the case of my wife (then fiancé) and I, you’ll at least be able to laugh about it together years later, in the course of your wedded bliss.
Honeymoon
The honeymoon is another one of those potentially helpful rituals. Lots of couples forgo a honeymoon or plan one for later. Jobs, schooling, limited funds, limited time, or just the press of getting lives integrated and reorganized in a single household may prevent or discourage a honeymoon. Yet a honeymoon has symbolic value and accomplishes instrumental purposes. The honeymoon declares the primacy of the marriage over its practicalities. It reminds the couple and their community that their marriage is more than a financial or vocational union and that the marriage takes precedence over the ordinary things that sustain it. A honeymoon also gives the couple time to take a deep breath, rest, refresh, and bond before launching into the quotidian aspects of marriage. For what it’s worth, study has shown that couples taking a honeymoon have lower divorce rates later in marriage, although again, that insight may involve correlation rather than causation. A honeymoon may not so much aid bonding as instead demonstrate bonds. Take a honeymoon, if you can. The planning of it can be yet another satisfying ritual, and the memories it leaves can be something to enjoy for a lifetime.
Reflection
If you’re married, on a scale of one to ten how well did you and your spouse navigate and conduct the process of marrying? What did you learn about one another in the process? Did either of you make any missteps in the process? Have you adequately addressed, in apology, correction, or forgiveness, those missteps? If you’re not yet married, what part of the process, courtship, proposal, engagement, wedding, or honeymoon most concerns you? Why? How can your fiancé help you relieve your concern? What part of the process most concerns your fiancé? How can you help relieve your fiancé’s concern? Are you skipping or shortchanging any of the ritual steps? If so, be sure that you correctly discern that it is better to do so. Articulate why, and see if your fiancé agrees. If you’re already married, did you navigate the integration process, including housing, education, jobs, and finances, adequately? Or do you still have some of those issues to address? Try not to let them linger, lest they become a sinkhole or trap. If you’re not yet married, what integration do you still need to plan or accomplish, and on what schedule? Be sure you’re making the plans you need to start your new household on the right foot.
Key Points
Getting married involves an elaborate and sensitive process.
Shortchanging the process by eloping may shortchange the marriage.
Be cautious abandoning courtship, engagement, and wedding norms.
Courtship, proposal, and engagement rituals steady and inform.
Proposal rituals especially clarify expectations and intentions.
The engagement period may require substantial household planning.
Manageable and sensitive wedding planning forms marital bonds.
Premarital counseling can be a helpful and enjoyable ritual.
A honeymoon can be of symbolic and practical benefit.