16 Against What Must I Guard?
Dan soon realized that he’d had a very wrong picture of the probable course of his decline and demise. Dan had expected to have total peace and everyone’s patient indulgence. Instead, Dan found himself at the center of a maelstrom. Things seemed to swirl around him at a speed and with a desperation that left his head spinning and his frame breathless much of the time. The obstacles were so many, frequent, and significant that Dan began to wonder what ton of bricks was going to hit him next. He resolved that if anyone asked him how best to prepare for one’s demise, he was going to tell them to be on guard.
Obstacles
One’s end of life is no bed of roses. Your last leg toward transcendence may include as many challenges as any other stage and season of your life. Indeed, end of life introduces so many additional concerns, interests, challenges, and variables as to inevitably raise significant obstacles. You plainly have issues associated with your decline, whether disease issues, mental or physical disability issues, or straightforward lack-of-vitality issues. Yet you also have estate issues with which to deal, grief issues, family needs to which to attend, and family and friend relationship issues. End of life can be an extraordinarily rich time but is almost invariably a complicated time. Whatever faults and flaws may linger within you and your family members, and whatever hidden divisions exist, your decline toward final demise may well put them on full display, adding to your obstacles. The question, then, is how best to deal with those obstacles, including how to prepare for them before they arrive.
Guarding
You may not be able to entirely avoid obstacles. It would be surprising if you did. You may, though, be able to guard against certain obstacles so that they do not harm you as much as they otherwise would when you encounter them. To do so can require having the right response when the obstacle arises, while keeping the right attitude. Respond promptly and appropriately, while managing your thoughts and restraining your emotions. The obstacles that you face do not control your destiny. Instead, you do, through your responses and attitude. At no time is that more true than at the end of life. Keep in mind that the only impact about which you are personally and directly concerned on the final leg of your earthly journey is the potential impact on your transcendence. Your personal concern is no longer your earthly life but instead your eternal life. Yes, care for your family and other matters to the extent that you have the peace and clarity of mind and the physical energy and capacity. But guard yourself against obstacles and attitudes that may adversely affect your journey toward transcendence.
Responsibility
Many of the obstacles that you face in your last weeks and days may have nothing to do with your eternal destiny. They may instead have more to do with financial, legal, business, property, or relationship matters that others can and will manage after your demise. Your appropriate response to those issues and obstacles may well be to respectfully say not my problem. Don’t take on things that others can and should do. Your responsibility is not to relieve others of their natural duties and privileges. You may, for instance, participate in planning the location and marker for the interment of your remains and may help to plan your memorial, as a later chapter addresses. But you have no need for doing so once you appoint a personal representative or otherwise authorize a family member, friend, pastor, or funeral director to handle those matters for you. Guard your time and energies first by deciding what is and what is not your responsibility, under the peculiar and compelling circumstance of your impending demise.
Health
Your health in the course of your decline can be, and indeed is likely to be, a significant if not your most-significant obstacle to a peaceful and orderly procession toward your transcendence. But your declining health is also the cause of that procession. As the cause of your demise, your health is more like an excuse and reason for devoting your attention to your demise than an obstacle to doing so. Depending on the nature and certainty of your diagnosis, that you have only limited time isn’t something necessarily to address with drastic or experimental medical interventions. Your response might be otherwise, if you simply had a serious but curable disease or disability. Your condition might then reasonably demand your attention. But if your condition is soon bringing about your sure demise, then your attention to your condition is less warranted than it otherwise would be. That’s not to say to ignore it. You may need substantial palliative care. Yet you might worry about it less and pay attention to other, better things more, given the apparently sure course of your decline. Adopt that attitude, even while attending appropriately to your medical care and other health, and you may find yourself freed of a large burden.
Procrastination
Putting things off that you need or want to do, or procrastination, can indeed be a major obstacle across the course of your final decline. If you have something you need to do, such as execute your estate plan or advance medical directive, then don’t put it off. You may not have a later chance. You might survive long enough to address it but lose the mental competency in the course of your delay. Delay does not relieve you of the concern. It only extends it, spoiling every day and hour that you continue to procrastinate. Procrastination is the enemy of success because it increases stress, decreases the quality of the delayed actions, and increases the risk of total loss. In your circumstances, treat everything as if having no time to waste. Finish things as soon as you are able so that you can put them aside, rest in peace, and pay attention to your personal and priority needs.
Unforgiveness
Unforgiveness can be a significant obstacle in the course of one’s demise. The above chapters should have shown, if anything, that you benefit in your decline from peace and clarity of mind, and the ability to focus on priority matters. Remembering and holding grudges, whether just or unjust, doesn’t help your peace, clarity, prioritizing, or focus. The sooner you can let go of prior offenses, the sooner you can dwell on greater things with assurance and gratitude. While procrastination is the enemy of success, unforgiveness is the enemy of peace. Unforgiveness causes you to recall, relive, and exaggerate offenses, all to your physical, mental, and spiritual detriment. Don’t let those who harmed or offended you continue to hold their misconduct over you through your unforgiveness. And that is what unforgiveness is in these end-of-life circumstances, relinquishing your will to the adverse will of others who harmed or offended you. Give it up. Let it go. Don’t let grievances be your obstacle. Remember the Lord’s injunction against judging others lest he judge you.
Anger
In the same way that unforgiveness can become a significant obstacle at the end of one’s life, as one surveys one’s experiences, so, too, can anger. Anger may or may not have to do with specific offenses. Anger may just as much have to do with righteous causes, minor irritations, or even mistakes and misconceptions. Anger is a special problem at the end of life because of the way that it can color one’s final relationships and the memories of those one leaves behind. A single angry word just before demise can cast a shadow over an otherwise outstanding relationship. Your family members and friends would likely forgive you a single transgression or even a few indiscretions, given your obvious and enormous challenges. If you snap, you snap. Don’t carry an unnecessary burden over having shown periodic sullenness and anger. But rid yourself of all anger, bitterness, and rage to the fullest extent that you are able. Approach your transcendence with anticipation, wonder, and gratitude.
Bitterness
In the same way that anger and unforgiveness can be significant obstacles to your peaceful transcendence, so, too, can bitterness. Bitterness can have deep roots in relationships of longstanding difficulty, obvious disrespect, and hurtful unfairness. The indiscretions of one’s parents, the rivalries and jealousies of one’s siblings, the lying and cheating of one’s co-workers, and even the disrespect and insensitivity of one’s own children can all fuel feelings of rejection and betrayal. You may succeed in avoiding judgment and anger directed toward others, but you may also find yourself harboring unexpressed resentment. If anger is letting off steam, bitterness is accumulating it, where it scalds and withers the soul. Don’t turn your judgment and anger outward toward others, but also don’t turn your bitterness inward toward yourself. Let it go. Think about heavenly blessings ahead of you rather than earthly grievances behind you.
Strife
Strife among family members or with friends is another obstacle to avoid at all costs. A family member’s demise, particularly that of a patriarch or matriarch, tends to change and restructure family relationships. Those changes can dredge up old jealousies and grievances or create new ones. Families that have enjoyed peaceful relationships for years or even decades may fall into squabbling the moment mom or dad, or grandma or granddad, passes, or even before with the beloved family member’s decline and associated final planning and preparations. Don’t stir up any family strife. If you see it developing, shut it down firmly if you can, while otherwise avoiding it at all costs. Family strife can take years to understand, unwind, and successfully address. Don’t try to be a mediator of family strife from your deathbed. That’s no longer your responsibility. The same is true regarding strife with or among friends. Request that they leave you out of it, if it must proceed. They’ll eventually settle it.
Doubt
Your greatest obstacle in the course of your final decline isn’t any of the above concerns, which are all largely temporal. They’ll soon disappear, at or shortly after your demise. Your greatest obstacle is instead doubt. Your secure transcendence depends on your voluntary and wholehearted embrace of the Lord whose resurrection conquered your death, if you wish to accept that gracious and merciful gift. If you find yourself doubting the Lord’s resurrection, your need for his mercy, or the value of his heavenly gift, you indeed have a great obstacle to your transcendence, the only obstacle that could affect it. Banish doubt. Hold fast to what you know to be true. Dwell with the Spirit’s assurance in your heart and the scripture’s voice in your mind. Call on your pastor and Spirit-led friends to pray for you and with you. Fall on your knees begging for the Lord’s faith, which he freely offers you. And worship the Lord in peaceful assurance, until your doubt dissipates. Doubt is the devil’s only tool in these circumstances.
Reflection
What obstacles do you see looming in the way of your peaceful procession toward transcendence? How can you be on guard against succumbing to those obstacles? Can you address the issues that may be fomenting them, before they reach full storm proportion? Or are you better off simply ignoring those obstacles as not your responsibility? Are you satisfied with your medical and palliative care, so that your declining health does not unduly distract you from your approaching transcendence? Do you have anything that you’ve left incomplete that you can finish now, to get off your plate? Are you holding grudges against others, affecting your peace of mind? Are you angry in a way that you need to resolve and reject so that you do not lash out in a hurtful manner? Are you harboring any bitterness that you need to let go or to overcome with expressions of gratitude? Do you anticipate or are you experiencing family or friend strife? Can you quickly end the strife, or if not, cut it off so that it does not affect your peace of mind and assurance? Are you harboring any doubts relating to your transcendence that you need to address through a pastor consultation, prayer, and worship?
Key Points
Obstacles to your peaceful journey can multiply in its final leg.
Guard against obstacles with your response to them and good attitude.
Accept and address only those obstacles that are your responsibility.
Do not see your declining health as an obstacle to your transcendence.
Avoid procrastination at all costs, instead acting as soon as you can.
Avoid unforgiveness that can harden your heart and bring judgment.
Rid yourself of all anger and rage so that you do not wound and hurt.
Unwind the deep root of bitterness with the strong balm of gratitude.
Cut off family and friend strife, common in decline, at all costs.
Do not doubt your transcendence, overcoming it with prayerful faith.