Randall hadn’t any thoughts either way about children when he and his wife first married. He was only thinking about marriage, not much beyond such as to children. And his wife seemed to have the same thoughts or lack of thoughts about children. They were both content to marry and enjoy one another. After a few years, though, Randall had a growing desire to have children. But each time he gently broached the subject with his wife, her response was disinterest. As time wore on and his desire for children grew, Randall found himself beginning to press the issue, still gently, but still without a clear response and certainly not an affirmative response. Randall finally reached the point where he had a heart-to-heart talk with his wife about his desire to have children. And much to Randall’s surprise and relief, his wife consented, if not wholeheartedly agreed.
Decision
Married couples today generally treat the question of having children as a choice, meaning a decision to make one way or the other. Next to the decision to marry itself, the decision to have children may be the next biggest life decision one makes, nearly as big as the choice to marry. The decision to have children, like the decision to marry, is generally also a joint decision. It takes two to tango, both in marriage and in the conception of a child. If one or the other refuses to marry, then no marriage will take place. If one or the other refuses to have children, then the married couple will not produce children, unless one deceives the other or their joint or individual efforts not to conceive fail. The decision to have children generally requires agreement, with either spouse having a mostly effective veto power. In their consideration of whether to have children, spouses do well to begin by recognizing this starting point of mutual influence, mutual consent, individual veto, and mutual voluntary agreement.
Effects
That the decision whether to have children within a marriage is largely and generally voluntary and mutual, with individual veto power, can affect the marriage itself. The question of whether to have children isn’t simply yes or no, and leave it there, like whether to buy a home or rent, or whether to buy a second vehicle or continue to share. If one spouse badly wants children, and the other spouse determinedly doesn’t, then the failure to agree can affect the marriage. The spouse whose preference doesn’t prevail may remain unhappy and even grow bitter. And so, a spouse who doesn’t want children may have children anyway to avoid damaging the marriage, and vice versa that a spouse who does want children might forgo them for the same reason. The question may then become which spouse can best persist in the marriage after having relented to a decision about children, yes or no either way, contrary to that spouse’s preferences. If the spouses share unequal convictions, then for the good of the marriage the one with the stronger convictions may well prevail. Spouses probably make many decisions that way, even such mundane choices as what to have or where to go for dinner, except that the decision whether to have children dwarfs just about any other decision a married couple may make.
Stalemates
Some couples inevitably reach a stalemate over whether to have children, each continuing to hold firmly to their preference. The spouse who desires children will obviously be the one needing to press the issue because a stalemate would otherwise produce no children. That pressure may begin with escalating requests and demands. The pressure may at some point appear to the resistant spouse as manipulation, for instance the withholding of love, society, services, or companionship. The spouse advocating for children might respond that they cannot help feeling and thus behaving as they do, and that anything different would be forced and inauthentic. A couple could even reach the point of separation and divorce over the issue of children. Because all states recognize no-fault divorce, states would grant a divorce on the ground of a refusal to bear children, whether or not scripture or other authority would likewise sanction it. Saying so is in no sense a recommendation of that course. Just recognize that in some marriages, the marriage’s end could be a possibility. It might not be fair for a spouse to have to consent to children to preserve the marriage, but it might be a reality.
Factors
In exploring the decision about children, spouses may do well to consider factors. When one marries, and who one marries, are both factors in many spouses’ opinions on whether to have children. Marrying very young or marrying very old may strongly influence or, in the latter case, even outright determine the decision not to have children. If one spouse marries an individual whose character for child raising, or for that matter whose character for marriage, they do not yet adequately know or trust, then one spouse may resist agreeing to have children. Or a spouse may even know clearly that they’d never agree to have children with this particular spouse, even if they otherwise fully appreciate their spouse. The opposite can also be true, that a spouse may so clearly see their spouse as a fabulous potential parent that they promptly agree to having children, even when they have little interest and no confidence on their own part. The character of each spouse can thus be a big factor, if not the biggest factor, in the decision to have children. But other factors can also be important, such as the mental and physical health of the spouses, genetic disorders in their family history, and military commitments among them. Be aware and sensitive about factors influencing your thoughts and your spouse’s thoughts on having children. Clarifying the factors that are influencing each of you can help you discern and agree.
Process
Consider following a fair and sound process for deciding whether to have children. Sure, you may decide spontaneously. Yet putting one another on the spot may not be fair and could cause regrets later that affect both of you and even affect the child or children. A fair process is one in which each of you have time to explore thoughts on the subject, alone, with trusted advisors, and with one another. Generally, a married couple won’t have a reason to rush into the decision. Take some time yourself, and give your spouse time, too. Don’t argue about your preferences. Find the right times and places to discuss the question, when both of you are calm and can give your joint attention to the issue with reasonable privacy. Bringing up the issue with your spouse in the presence of other family members who have their own strong opinions on the subject wouldn’t generally be fair, for instance. The question of whether to have children is so deep, rich, and sensitive, that arranging a special getaway retreat to deliberate together over the subject might even be a sound and memorable course.
Timing
Once both spouses agree to having children, the question may still remain as to the timing of conception. Having one or both spouses still in school, and with neither spouse employed or with only spare income and inadequate housing for children, may influence a decision not to have children yet. On the other hand, approaching the age where having children is physically more demanding and brings greater health risks to the mother and child may influence a decision to have children now rather than wait for more-opportune circumstances later. Ultimately, with children, no time may be perfect, and no time may be unacceptable. Families, referring to both spouses and to the child or children, can adapt to the most extreme of circumstances. While you’d prefer not to have to make extreme adaptations to bear a child and care for it through infancy, some adaptation can be exciting, fun, and appropriately challenging and strengthening. Consider the timing of when to have your child or children, but don’t demand perfect circumstances, or you may never get around to it.
Planning
Once you and your spouse decide to have children, planning for that eventuality can help ease and enrich the process. Plans may begin with subtle or significant adjustments in jobs. Those adjustments may include the resignation or retirement, or notice of coming maternity leave, of the mother to be, and the increase in hours or responsibilities of the father to prepare to fund the temporary or long-term withdrawal of the mother from the workforce. You and your spouse may also need to confirm or acquire appropriate health insurance coverage. The two of you may temporarily reduce discretionary expenditures to build a child-bearing fund. You may reconsider and change your current housing or housing plans, to accommodate a nursery, outdoor play area, safer neighborhood, better school district, or other amenities related to a child in the home. You may also begin thinking about daycare, grandparent care, a nanny, or other infant and childcare, in the near or not-so-near future, that may require or advise a housing move. You may also need to adjust transportation, for instance, to have a vehicle available with a child seat. All these issues can benefit from advance planning. Enjoy putting together a child-bearing and child-rearing plan with your spouse in eager anticipation.
Preparation
Once conception occurs, you and your spouse may have further preparations to execute. Qualified prenatal care is essential, as is forming a secure and satisfying relationship with the obstetrician or midwife delivering the baby, and determining the hospital or other delivery site. While the mother certainly has the greater and final say in these choices, the father may participate and support as the mother desires. Both spouses can work together to arrange, furnish, and appoint the home nursery. Few things ease the mother’s mind and encourage both spouses in their anticipation than to see the nursery in place, outfitted, and ready for the newborn baby to return with the mother from the hospital. Acquiring the required infant car seat and the helpful baby carrier and carriage can be equally satisfying, exciting, and reassuring steps. A baby shower can help reassure the mother of a supportive circle of friends and family members, while relieving the expectant parents of some of the expense of providing the baby with clothes, conveniences, and toys, and the mother with comforts related to child bearing and rearing. Making final preparations of a bag to take to the hospital and a food supply for the return home of mother and infant further heightens the anticipation and eases the awesome event of labor and delivery. Prepare, then rest up. You’ll need both.
Happenstance
The above discussion on whether and when to have children conveniently ignores the possibility that you and your spouse will conceive a child anyway, without having decided one way or another, or having agreed that the time had not yet quite come. Accidents, as they say, happen, even happy accidents like conceiving a child with one’s beloved spouse. In that instance, you and your spouse have nothing to do other than celebrate, just as in the instance of agreeing to have a child and agreeing that the time had come, after which conception promptly occurs. Planned or unplanned, celebrate the conception of your first child or subsequent children. If the timing is inconvenient or even hard, you may have more work to do in preparation, birthing, and early childcare. But the event remains a happy miracle.
Infertility
The above discussion, though, further ignores the possibility that you and your spouse will not conceive a child, even though you decided, planned, prepared, and attempted in earnest to do so. You and your spouse don’t fully control the miracle of conception. Infertility may be an issue for either one or both of you. Medical investigation and means may diagnose and readily resolve, or resolve with delay, expense, and difficulty, the challenging issue of infertility. But medical intervention may also not resolve infertility and bring about conception. You and your spouse will plainly need to support one another deeply and deliberately throughout the full process of infertility, from the disappointment, to the decision whether to medically investigate and intervene, and through whatever medical or other assistance the two of you together choose. Hold one another close, trust in providence, and enjoy the marriage that you have while providence takes its due course.
Adoption
Spouses who have children, do not try to have children, or try to have children but fail to conceive, may choose to adopt. When and whether to adopt can depend on some of the same factors addressed above as to when and whether to conceive a child or children. But adoption can have additional reasons, including preeminently to care for the child who has no parent to care for them. Of course, adoptive parents are heroes in their own right. Whether the decision is to adopt a newborn baby or an infant, toddler, young child, pre-teen, or teenage youth, the commitment and sacrifice that adoptive parents make is profound, although their return can be equally profound. States tend to encourage or require that adoptions occur through approved agencies, in which case the agency will likely have an elaborate process to help you and your spouse through the decision to adopt, the profile of the preferred adopted child, and the process of adoption. Many states permit private adoptions through an attorney representing the parent or parents giving up the child or the child’s guardian. The process of private adoption can also be elaborate, one in which you and your spouse may benefit by having your own attorney to ensure a reliable and sound process. Accurate and reasonably complete disclosures of the candidate child’s medical condition, disabilities, and history can be essential to an informed and voluntary adoption. Be sure that you and your spouse have qualified and independent representation in that process, especially with private adoption.
Reflection
How did you and your spouse go about deciding whether to have children? Has your decision placed any strain on your relationship? Do you need to revisit that process to ensure that you continue to agree with the decision? What factors weighed most heavily in your joint decision? Have those factors changed recently? If you’ve decided to have children but haven’t conceived yet, have you nonetheless worked on a plan? If you’ve conceived, have you made adequate preparations? How do you each feel about your plan and preparations? Do you need to alter or improve plans or preparations to feel more prepared and secure? Is infertility an issue in your marriage? If so, then how are you approaching and handling it? Have you found adequate resources and assistance? Are you comfortable with your approach to the issue or issues? Do you need to modify that approach to feel more confident or assured? Are you considering adoption? If so, then how do you plan to go about making a decision whether to adopt? Would you pursue agency or private adoption? Have you researched adoption providers, whether agency or private? Do you have an adoption profile?
Key Points
Spouses should decide together whether and when to have a child.
Differing opinions on children can over time strain the marriage.
Follow a fair and sensitive process to help you and your spouse decide.
Calmly discuss the factors influencing your thoughts on children.
Consider carefully potential effects on your marriage of disagreeing.
The time for children can depend on age, income, housing, and health.
Once agreeing to have children, make a sound plan for the first child.
Once you and your spouse conceive, prepare for maternity and delivery.
Celebrate with care if you and your spouse conceive without deciding.
Support one another through any period and process of infertility.
Treat a decision to adopt with the care of a decision to conceive a child.