Xavier was head over heels in love with his wife, with whom he felt a perfect match. Their union was bliss, for both of them. Not so much, though, for Xavier’s relationship with his parents-in-law. When Xavier first met his parents-in-law, he felt as if they must have adopted their daughter, who would soon be Xavier’s new wife. Xavier’s wife was very different from either of her parents, not just in looks but also in character and temperament. Whenever Xavier saw his parents-in-law, which he generally hoped was seldom but turned out to be more often than that, he felt again as if he was confronting complete strangers. And as far as Xavier could tell, his parents-in-law felt the same way about him. Fortunately, Xavier hadn’t had any battles with them. Yet Xavier always felt as if he and his parents-in-law had negotiated a truce, as if battles might break out at any moment if either side tried to do any more than make a little small talk.
Parents
A family centers around spouses. When children come along, the family reorganizes around the relationship between the spouses and their children, in a rich and rewarding dynamic. The spouses, though, have their own parents. Indeed, each spouse has parents, giving the other spouse parents-in-law. From the first moment of their introduction to one another, way back during courtship, spouses need to have adroitly managed their parental relationships, both with their own parents and with their parents-in-law, if they want to have the best possible family life. Managing parental relationships poorly can lead to significant stress within the marital relationship and between spouses and their parents or parents-in-law. No marriage needs the added stress of poor parental relationships. For your best family life, give thought and attention to managing your parental relationships well.
Cleaving
The adage is that children planning to marry need to leave and cleave. They need to leave their childhood home and their parents to cleave or join closely with their new spouse. Marriage is an intimate and even dependent relationship. When a spouse continues a close and supportive relationship with a parent, the other spouse may not have the opportunity and privilege to form an appropriately close, supportive, and dependent marital relationship. Two are bliss, while three’s a crowd. Spouses need to be in relationship with one another. They shouldn’t have to deal with their spouse’s parents, their in-laws, when dealing with their spouse. A spouse who must first deflect the advice, counsel, and wishes of the other spouse’s parents, the in-laws, in order to communicate, negotiate, compromise, and agree with the other spouse, doesn’t have a sound marriage. Spouses need to deal directly with one another, not first navigate parental advice and relationships in order to reach the other spouse. That’s the nature of the leave-and-cleave adage.
Grounds
Good reasons exist for issues to arise between spouses and their parents. When a child marries, parents have the challenging task of removing themselves from being the primary guide and emotional supporter of their child. The child has the same challenge of moving the child’s emotional, financial, and other dependence from the parents to the new spouse. Sometimes, that break can be smooth. Some parents are more than ready to have their adult child lean for a close and supportive relationship on someone else, their new spouse. And some children are more than ready to lean on someone, their new spouse, other than their parents. Other times, though, the parents, the child, or both want or need to cling to the relationship, or they do so out of habit, when the relationship needs to change. Help your spouse, and let your spouse help you, ease out of parental relationships, in order to rely fully, confidently, and joyfully on one another. Don’t let your parental relationship interfere with forming the closest relationship with your spouse.
In-Laws
The old joke, referencing the peculiar relationship between a spouse and the other spouse’s parents, is whether a married individual has in-laws or outlaws. A spouse has a lifelong and quite natural relationship with the spouse’s own parents. Yet a spouse may have little or no relationship with the other spouse’s parents. That relationship can be quite like strangers meeting, only to find out that they’re going to have a lifelong and relatively close, if largely or entirely involuntary, relationship. That fascinating tension is what makes in-law relationships so interesting, at times challenging, at other times entertaining, and often curious or peculiar. You and your spouse face the same challenge and opportunity of forming a stable and cordial relationship with parents-in-law. That relationship need not be close or special, given its involuntary and collateral nature. But at a minimum, it should be respectful and amiable. Work to make it so, and help your spouse also do so with your own parents. Keeping your own interaction with your parents within reasonable limits will help your spouse likewise do so.
Issues
To appreciate the importance of managing parental relationships well, consider some of the issues that can arise from poor management of those relationships. The discussion above has already highlighted the principal issue, which is that you and your spouse need to rely on one another, not on your parents. A related issue is that you and your spouse each need to develop the confidence that you can act as your spouse’s supporter and guide, in the place and stead of parents. Spouses should generally take the counsel of one another more so than the counsel of their parents. Loss of privacy is another issue. When a spouse shares marital challenges, issues, and concerns with parents, the other spouse may feel an invasion, offense, and embarrassment. Parental interference is another issue. When parents insert themselves into their children’s marital affairs, particularly marital conflicts, their presence can further stir an already toxic mix. Few if any good things come from extensive parental involvement in their child’s marriage, especially if anyone involved objects.
Support
Parental involvement in a newly married couple’s family life isn’t always due to parental overreaching. Newly married couples can have substantial material needs to fill. And parents can have the ready means to help fulfill those needs. Parents may have money, furniture, housewares, tools, and even vehicles to gift or loan. Parental contributions to a newly married couple’s household can make significant differences, easing the couple’s financial stress while increasing their security and comfort. On the other hand, the material needs of a newly married couple are not necessarily a problem. Need can instead be a gift, motivating a couple to put forward their best energy and ingenuity to meet the need on their own, building their skills and confidence while confirming their mutual commitment to the marriage and family. Don’t let parents disable your own efforts. Invite and accept parental contributions only when you and your spouse agree that the contributions are necessary or would be helpful, without disabling your motivation and depriving your marriage of a victory it might better win on its own.
Counsel
Parental involvement in a newly married couple’s family life can also take the form of advice and counsel, not just material contributions. As with material needs, newly married couples, particularly when young, can have substantial need for advice and counsel. And parents can, from their long experience and hard-won wisdom, have sound counsel to offer their married children. But as with material contributions from parents, don’t let gifts of advice and counsel interfere with you and your spouse relying on counsel from one another or from other sources that you and your spouse discern. Standing on your own feet in a new marriage, on matters of choice, preference, and wisdom, can be especially important to confirming mutual respect and forming the marital bond. Don’t let parents disable you and your spouse from taking your own counsel or the counsel of others whom you wish to add to your support network. Seek and accept parental advice only when the two of you agree that parental advice is appropriate. Reaching out to parents is okay if done together or with mutual consent. These practices can help you and your spouse maintain a good family life, including appropriate relationships with parents.
Protection
Parents, though, can be a critical contact point for married children when the subject comes to personal safety and security. One of the benefits for children who maintain appropriate contact with parents after marrying is that they can reach out to parents for support if they find themselves in a coercive or abusive relationship. Domestic abuse occurs along a spectrum. Every first or new instance may not be obvious but may instead be deliberately ambiguous. Abusers disguise their actions and intentions, and subtly or overtly coerce, to manipulate victims into submission and to avoid detection. A newly married child may need their parent, as a lifelong confidante, to help them understand what is or isn’t coercion or abuse, and what is within and outside the bounds of marital conduct standards. That is not to say that the first call should not be to police or a crisis hotline. Making an immediate call to authorities for emergency assistance, and getting a personal-protection order in place, may be absolutely appropriate. But that action would apply to an obvious instance of abuse, when abuse may begin in non-obvious forms. Reaching out to a close friend, pastor, or family life mentor may be an alternative to parental advice, counsel, and protection. Yet parents know their child, and children naturally trust their parents with confidences. Respect the continuing role of parents in protecting their adult child from domestic abuse.
Reflection
On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the quality of the relationship of you and your spouse to your parents and parents-in-law? Does your relationship with one set of parents differ substantially from your relationship with the other set of parents? If so, why? And if so, is that difference appropriate and helpful? What would make your parental relationships better? Do you and your spouse agree that you adequately cleave to one another after having appropriately left your parents? Do you and your spouse have privacy or interference issues involving your parents? Do either of you invite privacy or interference that the other of you would prefer to avoid? Do you and your spouse receive material support from parents? If so, do you welcome that support, or is that support interfering with your interest in providing for yourselves on your own? Would your marriage and family be better off without material support from parents? If you and your spouse receive substantial material parental support and invite or welcome it, are you expressing an appropriate degree of appreciation? Does parental support come with strings attached? If so, are those terms and conditions adversely affecting your marriage or family in any way? Do you or your spouse receive substantial advice and counsel from parents? If so, do you invite or welcome it, or is it interfering with your trust and confidence in the advice and counsel of one another? To whom would you reach out for advice if you believed that your spouse might be abusive or coercive but weren’t sure, weren’t under any immediate threat or danger, and needed advice before contacting authorities or taking other action?
Key Points
Stable family life depends on managing spouses’ parent relationships.
Spouses do well to leave parents and cleave to their spouse for support.
Parents and children face natural issues with leaving and cleaving.
Forming a stable relationship with in-laws presents unique challenges.
Poor parental relationships can lead to privacy and interference issues.
Parental support of a newly married couple is appropriate if invited.
Parental advice to a newly married couple is appropriate if welcomed.
Parental protection of a married child against abuse is warranted.