As hard as it was, Wilma couldn’t break the pattern. She and her new husband had fallen into an increasingly desperate cycle of arguments, one every few days, one after another. They each seemed to instigate the arguments, almost as if they needed them, although neither wanted to argue, and both deeply regretted the arguments. Their mutual regret was heavy because in the thick of the arguments they would each say things they didn’t mean or believe. They soon made up after most of the arguments, although in a few instances the hard feelings lingered for days. Their strife made things so much harder than they needed to be because otherwise they seemed to be doing well. How could they stop? Or was this cycle something through which they had to go?
Arguing
Married couples argue. The arguments of married couples are, from the outside, the strangest phenomena. Here, after all, are two people as closely committed to one another as you could possibly get, with mutual interests as closely entwined as you could possibly arrange, and generally with as fierce a desire to honor and uplift one another as you could possibly implant. And yet, argue couples do. Married couples may argue with one another more often and fiercely than they would argue with anyone else, whether parents, friends, strangers, or enemies. And the cycle of arguments can be hard to break, nearly as if the capacity to argue is woven so deeply in the human character that spouses must at points express it. Can a fish live out of water? Can a tiger lose its stripes? Understanding arguments, avoiding or at least minimizing arguments, setting boundaries on the conduct of arguments when they occur, and recovering from arguments are all things many married couples must soon learn.
Causes
The causes of marital arguments may matter. If you can identify and address causes, you may be able to address and avoid the arguments. Arguments can have both internal and external causes, referring to both behavioral or situational triggers on the one hand and psychological or spiritual grounds on the other hand. A prior chapter mentioned one of the common external causes of arguments for many couples, which is money. Who spent how much on what item and for what reason can trigger an argument. But arguments can have nearly any external cause. Examples include how one spouse treated the other during a social event, the attention one spouse gives to someone else that the spouse does not give to the other spouse, whether one spouse remembered to do a chore or errand the other spouse requested, and how one spouse spends time when the other spouse feels time better spent another way. Internal causes may be harder to discern and describe but could include feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, lack of appreciation or attention, repetition of parental marital patterns, and repeated working out of insecurities and issues embedded since childhood. Mental disorders like post-traumatic stress, depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder can certainly contribute, making the causes of argument terribly complex.
Effects
The effects of marital arguments are generally negative, even at times severely so. Oh, a small argument may temporarily clear the air, as in good, we got that out of the way. But small arguments can lead to enduring conflicts that soon spread to other small issues, eventually leading to bigger arguments. Conversations and discussions without argument may soundly resolve marital issues that the couple needs to address. Communication in marriage, you often hear, is everything. But when the communication turns from a conversation into an argument, the resolutions often don’t feel so stable. You might be accomplishing something with an argument, but don’t assume so. You may have better means of accomplishing those things than arguing, and the arguments may be having other highly deleterious effects. You may be badly hurting your spouse and the marital relationship, putting bad memories and growing distance between the two of you. Continuous severe marital arguments can prompt depression, anxiety, isolation, and withdrawal.
Conduct
The instability of an argument’s resolution, and the cycle of arguments that can follow, may be because the conduct of the argument did not resolve the issue on fair terms or by fair means. Arguments by definition involve emotionally injurious communication. In an argument, you’re not negotiating. That’s the definition of arguments that they are not to rationally address a topic but instead to make points, demand and exact concessions, and defeat an opposing cause for its presumed irrationality or inaccuracy. While arguments may begin with reasonable causes for the spouses to earnestly address and resolve, arguments instead turn to projections of feelings and attitudes on the part of the other that the other may not hold but has no opportunity to deny. Arguments may also attribute the other’s alleged misconduct to the other’s character, upbringing, or disposition, things that one cannot readily alter in a prompt resolution but instead must carry away from the argument in a lingering wound. Arguments may also quickly escalate beyond the single event that triggered the dispute, into exaggerated attacks that you never or you always engage in the triggering conduct. Arguments thus seek not to resolve but to defeat, not to unite but to conquer, not to collaborate but to command.
Conclusion
Arguments soon end. The sound and fury of an argument is hard to sustain. That’s one thing that dog and horse trainers learn, which is to stay calm if the animal is enraged and ready to bite or fight, because the animal cannot hold the rage for long. You and your spouse might in an argument eventually reason your way to a resolution, although that’s not the nature of an argument to reason, rather to emote. Arguments thus may end not with agreement but with exhaustion, which in a way may be the best that emoting contestants can do, to exhaust themselves and one another. Struggling onward to reach agreement when neither spouse is reasoning with resolution intent can be counterproductive. Arguments ended early, before they escalate, don’t necessarily smolder. They may instead disappear as a soon-forgotten afterthought. Couples who quickly forget the subject of their argument prove that the subject wasn’t the argument’s point. Conclusion, in other words, doesn’t have to mean settling the argument’s issue. Arguments by definition tend not to settle but instead to stir issues. Conclusion can instead mean simply stopping, forgiving, forgetting, and making up.
Resolution
Resolve marital issues by discussion, not argument. Discussion has a different tone, feel, intention, form, and conclusion than argument. Discussion is civil, not heated. Discussion feels warm, unifying, caring, and collaborative, not cold, uncaring, dividing, and competitive. Discussion of a marital issue seeks a balanced, stable, and enduring resolution that improves the circumstances and condition of both spouses and the status of the marriage. Discussion first occurs at a time and in a place when both spouses have the time, energy, and attention for it. Discussion then identifies the concern or issue to address, not as a problem that one spouse or the other spouse has or caused but rather an issue that, once addressed, will relieve both spouses and strengthen the marriage. Issues are not the problem of one spouse or the other but instead a concern for both. Discussion proceeds by identifying relevant conditions, resolving any misunderstandings of facts, circumstances, and intentions. Simply clarifying and confirming conditions may resolve the issue. One of you may have had a mistaken view of things. Discussion then articulates the concern, tension, or issue that the conditions create. Once you’ve jointly clarified the conditions and the concern the conditions create, discussion then generates options to resolve the concern. Discussion then weighs the options, choosing among them. Discussion concludes by playing out the chosen option to ensure that it works well for both spouses. If discussion reaches no favorable resolution, then the spouses consider research to generate better options, ending not by ignoring the issue or concern but by committing to find a satisfactory way to address it. See if you can practice something like this discussion form, as a substitute for arguing ineffectually.
Recovery
Recovering from a marital argument can take time. Respect your spouse’s need to recover and your own recovery need, too. You may each need a few minutes or hours alone to recompose yourselves, repair your view of yourselves and your relationship, and discern better options for moving forward. The two of you may also or alternatively need to undertake a routine task together, whether cleaning up the kitchen, folding the laundry, picking up the yard or house, or getting the grocery shopping done. Completing mundane household tasks after an argument can restore some positive momentum to the marital relationship. It can also give the two of you an opportunity to show, rather than try to speak, your care for one another and the marriage and marital household. One or both of you may still have significant issues to address and resolve, causing the argument or having to do with the argument itself. But one or both of you may need even more to express and feel your marital closeness. The two needs, to resolve an issue and to feel close to your spouse, are not mutually exclusive. You can have both unresolved issues and marital closeness. Indeed, that combination may be the steady state of marriage, the at-times abrasive but nonetheless holy and complete union of two very different but peculiarly well-matched individuals. Move on in love.
Avoidance
Arguments can have an air of inevitability about them, like two fighters circling one another in the ring or two bulls pawing the dirt ready to charge. But you can pursue tactics to avoid and minimize them. If you have an issue to address, choose an opportune rather than inopportune time. Sometimes, that means saying something immediately. But other times, it means waiting for a less busy or stressed time. Don’t speak out of or into emotion. Emotion doesn’t reason, it emotes. If your spouse says something in anger, despair, or bitterness, acknowledge and address the emotion, not the statement. The statement, whether true, false, or exaggerated, isn’t the point. The emotion is the point. Your spouse isn’t a child, but you wouldn’t argue with an emotional child. You’d instead calmly, firmly, and sensitively help the child control the emotion before turning to reasoning with the child. The approach with an emotional spouse may likewise be more a matter of getting the two of you to a balanced emotional state before any attempt at reasoning. Whether you, your spouse, or both are the emotional ones, a request from either of you to speak about the issue later may be the better course. Who knows but that things may resolve amicably and a later argument never comes.
Rules
Some couples learn to set rules both to avoid arguments and to minimize them once they start. The two of you might agree to stop and respectfully withdraw the moment you realize that either of you are arguing and emoting rather than listening, considering, and responding thoughtfully, until you can do so. Once an argument starts, try not to accuse or exaggerate. Indeed, avoid referring to prior similar incidents other than the most-recent one that triggered the argument. Focus on what just happened, not what happened last week, last month, or last year. Also, deescalate. Don’t read back, with an exaggerated tone or interpretation, what your spouse just said. Do the opposite, acknowledging and restating your spouse’s point in more-conciliatory terms. It can be hard to do in the heat of battle, but also keep thinking of difficult things with which your spouse may be dealing outside the argument’s topic. The argument’s point may indeed be that your spouse is weakened and vulnerable because of those other difficult things and thus needs your special sensitivity on the argument’s topic. You know or will soon learn what works in your marriage to minimize an argument. When you notice something effective, rehearse, remember, and deploy it. Your spouse may need you to be the one who knows how to disarm an argument.
Abuse
One rule, indeed a command, is that arguments must not lead to abuse. Neither spouse should make any threat, raise any hand, damage or destroy any article or item, or physically contact or threaten the other in any hostile manner. While physical abuse must be absolutely out of consideration, mental and emotional abuse in the form of raised voices, shouting, profanity, epithets, wild or rude gestures, and the like should also be off limits. Don’t do anything that you wouldn’t want your spouse to remember days, weeks, months, or years later. One bad moment, when it’s an especially bad moment, may spoil years of devoted service, care, and tenderness. Whether you are abusive or your spouse is abusive, get help. Abuse by its definition infers loss of control both for the abuser and the abused. If you and your spouse are out of control in the way that you treat one another and relate to one another, you both need swift change, which may require swift and sure help.
Infidelity
Some arguments have obvious, just, severe, and deep causes. Spouses can do some desperately wrong things within and outside a marriage, like secretly spend the marital savings on drugs, exhaust the marital retirement funds on gambling, or commit felony embezzlement of property at work. Marital infidelity, though, would rank high or at the top of that list of severe and just causes for marital arguments. Indeed, infidelity is such a deep and troubling cause that spouses don’t address it merely by tips, rules, practices, disciplines, or methods. Infidelity instead represents such a deep rupture in the marriage that, if the spouses are to remain married, the marriage must somehow reinstitute, restore, and reform. Married couples do get past infidelity or at least move on from it. But doing so can take years of hard introspection. If your marital arguments involve infidelity or a similarly severe cause, you and your spouse need much more than better communication techniques. Begin with the help of an experienced pastor or marriage counselor. The two of you may need a whole new framework through which to address deep marital issues, well beyond managing the arguments or other conflicts they produce.
Reflection
What are the common triggers for arguments within your marriage? Are they causes you and your spouse can meaningfully address with behavior or role changes? How well or poorly do you and your spouse avoid arguments? What avoidance strategies work or may work for the two of you? How well or poorly do you and your spouse minimize and conclude arguments once they begin? What tactics do you or could you adopt to bring arguments to a swift and stable end? How well or poorly do you and your spouse discuss marital and household issues, to avoid arguments? What methods do you or could you follow to improve your discussions? Do you and your spouse recover quickly from arguments? What helps you recover, whether quickly or slowly? Are you and your spouse free from abuse, infidelity, or other serious marital issues? If not, make and promptly pursue a sound plan for help.
Key Points
Marital arguments may be inevitable but are important to address.
Marital arguments may have many causes that spouses can address.
Marital arguments can have severe effects if not soon managed.
The conduct of arguments is emotional rather than rational.
Arguments may conclude more often in exhaustion than resolution.
Resolving marital issues requires rational discussion, not argument.
Give one another time and encouragement to recover from arguments.
Avoid arguments by addressing issues only when calm and prepared.
Follow civil communication rules and practices to minimize argument.
Physical, mental, and emotional abuse must be off limits in arguments.
Infidelity and similar serious issues need serious reform with help.