Jenny realized at her grandfather’s memorial service that she had few recollections of her grandfather. And the few recollections she had were mostly negative. She hadn’t seen her grandfather in years, when he suddenly passed. That distance was partly Jenny’s fault. She knew she’d been busier and less interested in her grandfather than she should have been. But her grandfather hadn’t seemed to care about their distance or about her, either. Jenny never remembered getting a card or call from her grandfather. Mostly, she remembered her grandfather being a pain in her grandmother’s side, although her grandmother clearly adored her grandfather. Jenny’s brothers seemed to have liked her grandfather alright. Maybe, she finally decided, it was because she was a girl and then a young woman, to whom her grandfather just couldn’t relate. 

Memories

Memories are a big part of a legacy. If your family members, friends, and community have few or no memories of you, or only negative memories, you may not have the legacy you’d like. Think of your own parents and grandparents, and the memories you have of them. What is the quality of those memories? Are they good or bad, funny or sad, warm or cold, encouraging or discouraging? You may also have formative memories, where for the first time you understood something about your parents, grandparents, teachers, or other mentors and influential figures in your life. Those memories may continue to silently or subconsciously guide you, making you act and react the way that you do and, to a degree, making you who you are. In the same way, don’t underestimate the role that others’ memories of you play in shaping your own legacy. Your legacy may be in those memories more so than in other things you say and do.

Spontaneity

The best memories may be spontaneous, unplanned, and uninhibited by expectations. Once again, think back across your own experience. You probably have had several surprising things happen to you and around you that fixed the event in your memory. Spontaneity may be a key ingredient to making something memorable. The things that we plan, predict, and expect are not things we need to remember because they fit the cause and effect of which we are a part. We remember things when they divert from the expected path because we want to account for those things in the next event. When those things never do repeat, we then remember them even more as thoroughly distinct, maybe even providential and miraculous. Keep that diversion in mind when thinking of how memories shape your legacy. Your diversion from the expected path may be what most shapes your legacy in the memory of those who see you divert. 

Positivity

Just don’t make your memorable diversion from the expected path a misstep. You don’t want a negative legacy, rather a positive legacy. Your family members, friends, and acquaintances will remember your wrecks. Your challenge is instead to help them remember your happy diversions, your inspired steps out of the expected path. It is easy to do something unusual that is wrong or bad. It can be much harder to do something unusual that is inspiring and good. Examine your opportunities to do the surprising thing that blesses and inspires others. That’s how you can make memories that enhance rather than detract from your legacy. The memorable events may, for instance, be surprise visits, unexpected gifts, unplanned vacations, unwarranted kindnesses, and other startlingly generous acts. Consider how you can enrich your legacy with memorable departures from the norm that exceed expectations. Show through your actions that the world is better than expected and the human heart capable of greater good, when pursuing the creator’s desire.

Intentionality

Although the strongest memories may arise spontaneously, you can still be intentional about creating memories that enhance your legacy. Memories need not be accidental. You can create, preserve, and promote memories intentionally. Family reunions are a great example. We hold family reunions largely to remember family history while creating new memories. At family reunions, we tell family stories, rehearsing again what happened years or decades ago. We even relate what happened in prior generations to those family members no longer with us. At family reunions, we also tell new stories of what happened recently, catching one another up on things, and thereby adding to the memories and legacies. Plan family gatherings frequently. At those gatherings, recall and share memories, while making new memories. And do the same with friends and acquaintances, getting together to recall while sharing how those memories continue to play out in legacies.

Reinforcement

Reinforcing memories is also why we take family photos at Christmas, on vacations, and at family reunions, to freeze the moment in time and have a record of it from which to remember. Cognitive scientists will tell you that to remember, we must repeat the event in our minds, rehearsing what happened. And we must do so at spaced intervals, first shortly after the event we want to remember, and gradually at greater intervals until we have fixed the memory firmly in mind. That’s what photographs, gatherings, family reunions, and school reunions help us do, to repeat and reinforce the memories. Take photographs, share photographs, make and share photo albums, and share cards and other mementoes reinforcing family and friend memories. Be intentional about preserving and reinforcing the best memories of family, friends, and special events.

Milestones

Another way to be intentional about creating memories is to be aware of milestones and celebrate them as they occur. That’s why we celebrate birthdays, to mark, recognize, and remember an advance in years. We celebrate annual, silver, and gold wedding anniversaries to mark, recognize, and remember the marriage’s sacredness. We celebrate high school graduation dates and hold reunions to mark the passing of years and remember who we once were and how much we’ve changed since then. You can enhance your legacy with celebrations of your own milestones and the milestones of others for whom you care. You can build your legacy by attending and celebrating the school graduations and church confirmations of your grandchildren, and treating them specially on their birthdays. You also enhance your legacy when remembering your friends’ birthdays and anniversaries, and inviting them to celebrate yours. 

Traditions

Traditions also promote memories and legacies, especially because they can engage and involve one’s emotions. Families can have long and rich traditions and rituals, especially around seasonal celebrations like Memorial Day and the first summer fun, Independence Day and its fireworks, Labor Day and the last fling of summer, Thanksgiving and its grand meal, Christmas and its many gifts, New Year’s Eve celebrating the year past and year to come, and Easter with its glory of Spring, renewal, and hope. Families can also have vacation traditions involving places they go every year and activities they repeat every year like swimming, camping, canoeing, hiking, fireside chats, and board games late into the night. Friends can also have traditions around things like fishing camps, hunting seasons, shopping trips, and getaways. Recognize the traditions and rituals in your life and the lives of your family members and friends. Hold onto the best traditions, and encourage others to do the same, and you’ll preserve and enhance your legacy.

Reflection

What are your best memories of your parents, grandparents, or other ancestors? What memories have been formative to you, drawing on the legacies of others? What do you think are the strongest and most-formative memories of your children and grandchildren, involving you? Do you recall a spontaneous, surprising event in which you were involved or focusing on your actions that might be a part of your legacy? Consider collecting your formative memories in notes or another record, to share with family memories. Is it time you planned the next family reunion? Should you be attending school reunions to share your legacy and reconnect your legacy with the legacies of classmates? Do you know and celebrate the birthdays and anniversaries of family members and close friends? What other milestones can you and your family members and friends regularly share and celebrate, to preserve and promote your legacy? 

Key Points

• Memories are natural and essential to a strong legacy. 

• Memories often arise around surprising, spontaneous events.

• Make your surprises positive and encouraging, not negative.

• Memories also arise intentionally around reunions and gatherings.

• Reinforce memories by recalling and sharing them at gatherings.

• Also reinforce memories with photographs and mementoes.

• Celebrate your milestones and others’ milestones to make memories.

• Preserve the best traditions and rituals to enhance your legacy.

Read Chapter 20.