Wendy had so looked forward to having grandchildren that she felt her two adult daughters must have grown tired of her hints and pleading. But before long, they were both pregnant and had brought Wendy and her husband their first grandchildren. With one daughter living in town, and the other daughter not far away, Wendy had expected to be deeply involved in her grandchildren’s lives. Yet after a good start with both of them, Wendy felt that things had changed. Neither of her daughters or their husbands had said anything to her. But Wendy had just not felt right about spending so much time in her daughters’ homes with their precious little babies. Wendy hoped that things would change in time, but she had to admit that she was deeply disappointed.
Generations
When a young couple first marries, they may be the grandchildren, the youngest generation in their respective families, with their parents and grandparents still living. When the young couple has their own children, they become the middle generation, with parents above them and their children below them. When their children have children, the couple becomes the senior generation. Each generation, from the youngest to the middle and then the senior, brings to a married couple its own challenges, opportunities, expectations, responsibilities, and privileges. In the youngest generation, the couple has few resources other than the hope and energy of youth, but also few expectations other than to soon beget the next generation. In the middle or sandwich generation, the couple has both resources and energy, but also responsibility to care for the younger and senior generation. Yet once ascending to the senior generation with the birth of grandchildren, the couple has resources, little energy, and no responsibility other than for their own care. The generation the couple occupies colors the whole character of the marriage.
Children
Grandchildren definitely bring a new season for a married couple, indeed a new stage in married life. Yes, having grandchildren generally means that you’re older, wiser, and richer, but increasingly less vital, energetic and capable. Yet setting those conditions aside, grandchildren instantly change a married couple’s relationship with their adult children, particularly the child who bore the grandchild. Your child is no longer just a child but also a parent, with all of the responsibilities, authority, and privileges of parenthood. If you and your spouse had still regarded and treated your adult child as childlike, with the birth of the grandchild, that treatment must end. Your adult child needs and deserves the respect owed a parent, not the condescension sometimes accorded a child. Some of us have a harder time affording our children the respect owed a parent because we’ve only known them as a child. But make the adjustment and show the due respect, or you and your spouse may have a more-difficult relationship with your child and uncertain access to your grandchild. Indeed, quickly learn to treat your child like a fellow parent, not just a child.
Birth
The birth of a first grandchild, and to only a slightly lesser degree any grandchild, is an epochal event for a married couple. A grandchild proves the continuance of the family line, not that names or genetics is particularly important but instead that the married couple succeeded in being fruitful themselves while raising a fruitful child. Not everyone has the privilege and forgettable pain of parenting a child, but those who do bring a child into the world understand the peculiar feeling of accomplishment mixed with innate satisfaction of propagating the line. And then, bearing witness to a grandchild brings an added layer of the same or similar feelings, echoing down the heritage line. Yet a grandchild’s birth can also trigger the old married couple’s flurry of earnest offers of assistance, all offers expected, due, welcomed, and resisted by the stunned and confused new parents. The grandchild’s birth marks the first distinct time when mother and grandmother must sensitively adopt and deploy their new roles, at a time when mother, at least, has little capacity to be sensitive. Be calm, patient, understanding, and quietly persevering in your efforts to see and hold the newborn grandchild, support the new parents, and allow the new parents their own space and time.
Care
Depending on your proximity, health, disposition, skills, and relationship with the new parent, you and your spouse may indeed be in a position to help your child and child’s spouse care for a new grandchild. If so, then you and your spouse must find a new balance in your marital relationship. A grandchild doesn’t usually make the same demands on a married couple as a child. The grandchild’s care is primarily for the parents, not the grandparents. But the parents may need or welcome a grandparent’s periodic care, or even regular daycare, for their newborn, infant, toddler, or older child. Plenty of grandparents happily make the commitment to provide regular grandchild care, either in the child’s home or in the grandparents’ home. Some grandparents reluctantly make the same commitment. And some couples find themselves divided over whether they should, may, or must act as a regular babysitter or daycare provider for their grandchild. Whichever side you’re on, respect your spouse’s interests, perspective, and preference on the issue of grandchild care. That duty can be vitalizing and precious. It can also exhaust a grandparent’s limited energies. That’s why we bear children when we’re young. If one or both of you take on the duties of regular grandchild care, do your best to support one another.
Interest
Even if the parents do not ask you and your spouse for periodic or regular grandchild care, or you and your spouse do not succeed in arranging that care out of your own desire, you, your spouse, your child, and your grandchild can all benefit from your healthy and respectful interest in your grandchild. You remember what becoming a new parent is like: you wish the whole world, and especially your parents, to recognize the grand event. Giving inadequate attention to the birth and upbringing of your grandchild can place a real burden on the relationship with your child, while depriving your grandchild of the peculiarly dear love of a grandparent. Many of us have exquisite memories of the joy, love, and interest of a grandparent or grandparents, and of the special character of grandparents as relatives to admire, respect, honor, and model. Don’t deprive your grandchild of that gift. Offer it as graciously and generously as you can, without overstepping bounds that the parents would prefer that you respect. Asking your child whether you may do something special for your grandchild before going ahead with it can save many missteps. And try hard to respect whatever reasons your child gives or fails to give for occasionally or frequently denying you the privilege you request. Take a healthy interest, not a suffocating or interfering interest, in your grandchild.
Distance
If you and your spouse live some distance or a great distance away from your child and grandchild, you may nonetheless be able to show appropriate interest in your grandchild with seasonal or periodic visits, telephone and video calls, cards, and gifts. Some married couples with multiple grandchildren at distances away fall into a happy routine of vacation travel and grandchild visits, especially if grandchildren live with their parents in attractive places to visit. Some of those regular grandchild visits may even take the married couple overseas. In other words, distance need not be an obstacle to maintaining a relationship with a grandchild but could be a benefit in the extra getaways and explorations the visits spur. Distance from grandchildren can also ensure that the married couple give their child and grandchild extended periods of uninterrupted time together, without grandparents present. If the child and the child’s spouse feel that they need the grandparents nearer and more involved and supportive in the grandchild’s care, then they can encourage the grandparents to visit more often and for longer periods or to move nearer, or they can move to the grandparents’ locale. Married couples and their adult children regularly make each of these accommodations to promote the welfare of the couple’s grandchildren. You and your spouse will work it out. Just consider all options and the benefits, challenges, and effects of each.
Respect
The above discussion has already hinted at least once that the respect that you and your spouse show for your child’s new role as a parent of your grandchild can be a great gift to your child. Your child doubtless wants you to be proud. Although your child may be confused, burdened, exhausted, and scared about the care of the newborn infant, and your child may invite your encouragement, sympathy, or support, your child also likely wants your confidence in your child’s ability to be the parent to their child that you were to them. The respect that you and your spouse show for your child and child’s spouse as new parents can go a long way toward disarming any potential conflict between or among you over the newborn infant’s care and the child’s upbringing. Your practices and opinions may differ, but keep your opinions to yourself unless asked to share them. Offer help and advice without disrespecting the parental authority and ability of your child and your child’s spouse.
Equity
If you and your spouse have multiple grandchildren among more than one child, you face another potential issue having to do with the equity of the time and attention you give to the grandchildren of your different children. The blessing that grandchildren can provide to you and your spouse is something that each of your children may deeply desire to share with you. The first child to do so naturally gets your first appreciation and attention. The second child to do so may expect and desire, and would rightly deserve, equal appreciation and attention, even though they’re not the first. In a perfect family, jealousy, comparison, and competitiveness wouldn’t be issues. But no family is perfect, and the less perfect parents are in the thought they give to equitable relationships with each of their children, the more issues the children may exhibit. So don’t spoil one child over their having given you a grandchild while ignoring the other child who also gives you a grandchild. If the first child gets a prompt visit, even one in the hospital where the delivery took place, then the second child likely deserves and expects one. If the first grandchild gets a gift of a bassinet or stroller, then the parent of the second grandchild likely deserves and expects the same or a similar gift. The more equitably you treat your grandchildren, the better your children may be able and willing to support and celebrate the parenthood of one another.
Gifts
You and your spouse may indeed have the means and desire to give gifts to your grandchild or grandchildren. Inquire of the parents, your child and your child’s spouse, before you do so. Asking your child if giving your grandchild a certain gift would be appropriate may relieve both you and your child of concerns, issues, or offense. Your child, for instance, may already have provided your grandchild with the gift you wish to give, in which case your child might have to decline or return your gift if you gave it unannounced. Alternatively, your child may object to your grandchild having the gift you wish to give, whether for safety, health, or other reasons between your child and grandchild that you should respect. Your child having to decline your offer of the gift may be hard enough, but if you give the gift unannounced, your child having to return or dispose of it may be much harder on you, your child, and your relationship with your child. Gifts are generally a blessing. Yet oddly, they can instead be a curse. Give grandchild gifts thoughtfully, with parental knowledge and permission.
Reflection
Do you look forward to grandchildren with anticipation and excitement or with other sentiments? If you’ve already had grandchildren, how did the first grandchild’s birth affect you and your spouse, and your relationship with your child who bore the grandchild? Do you and your spouse need to modify your communications or actions related to your child and grandchild, to ensure strong and supportive relationships? How do you show respect for your child’s parental authority? Does your child perceive your confidence in your child’s parenting skills and your respect for your child’s parental role? Are you and your spouse adequately capable of any care that you are providing to your grandchild, in relief of the parental care your child provides? Do you and your spouse need or want to modify that grandchild-care schedule? Does your grandchild feel the depth and authenticity of your interest in your grandchild? How do you exhibit that interest? Should you be doing so in a different way? Do you treat your children equitably with respect to the grandchildren each of them have given you?
Key Points
Grandchildren move you and your spouse to the senior generation.
Appreciate a grandparent’s different responsibility and role.
Grandchildren mean that your child has a parent’s authority.
Respect your child’s role and responsibility as a parent.
Provide grandchild care only if requested and capable.
Support your spouse in the decision regarding grandchild care.
Show appropriate grandchild interest, neither too much nor too little.
Physical distance requires greater effort to visit but can be a benefit.
Treat multiple grandchildren among your children equitably.
Inquire of your child before giving your grandchild gifts.