14 What Should I Do in My Last Days?
Quentin finally had everything in order. He’d said goodbye to the last visiting relative, signed all the documents at his attorney’s office, met with his pastor for the last time, made his last doctor’s visit, and had his last visit from the hospital’s social worker. Even his hospice team seemed to have stepped back, satisfied that Quentin needed nothing further. They all seemed to have expected him to have passed away already. Quentin smiled to himself as he realized that some of them even seemed a little miffed that he had hung around. So then, what was he to do with this brief reprieve? Quentin rose with difficulty from his bed and, steadying himself by tracing one hand along the walls, made his way to the back porch, thinking that he’d just sit for a spell.
Activities
You may well have a period after you have concluded the bulk of your preparations when you clearly know that your time is short but you still have the mental capacity to think and communicate, and the physical capacity to move around and act. Just because your earthly time has an approaching limit doesn’t mean that you have nothing to do but gawk. Quite the opposite: the final minimally capable leg of one’s sojourn is not a time for stupor but instead for prioritized activities. You need not and probably should not just lay around waiting for your demise. You might instead consider what’s left to do, no longer to prepare for passing but instead simply to live your last earthly days and hours as you best should. You might even want to give more thought to those activities than you gave to preparations. After all, the richness, comfort, consolation, and assurance of those last days and hours may be the point of your exhaustive preparations.
Priorities
Think, then, of your priorities. Ideally, we would always attend to priority commitments and interests, throughout life, not just at its very end. Yet we tend not to prioritize, instead frittering our days away in useless entertainments. Perhaps it’s impossible to constantly prioritize. Maybe it’s just our nature that we do not do so, until something so clear as one’s approaching demise compels us. But if there’s ever a time, it’s at our end. The priorities, though, differ as one approaches one’s imminent transcendence. The priorities are no longer getting the mail, depositing the paycheck, and picking up the groceries. The priorities are no longer external, like arranging chairs on the Titanic’s deck. The priorities are instead internal, having everything to do with promoting and preserving that essential peaceful inner assurance of one’s transcendence. Keep your priorities in mind. Choose activities that promote those priorities.
Choices
The good news is that others should generally accept your right and privilege to make your own choices as to whatever may promote your inner peace and assurance. Life is much about fulfilling duties, often those that others impose. The end of one’s life includes some of those duties, such as to ensure that you have an estate plan in place to care for your dependents. But other duties fall away in one’s final frames of time. You may find that you finally have a certain freedom or finally acquire the boldness to exercise a freedom you always had. Don’t let others press duties upon you that you need not bear, especially if those duties distract you from your consolation. If they try, graciously decline or politely ignore them. Don’t waste time and energy doing others’ bidding, when you have neither time nor energy to spare. Consider, then, some of your potential choices of activities to promote your peace and assurance.
Solitude
You may find in your last days that you need or desire more time alone. Solitude may be your greatest need, to work out your fears and concerns to replace with confidence and assurance. If you need solitude, then request and arrange it. Decline visitors if you wish none. If you accept but regret a visit, then politely cut it short. Let your caretaker know that you need your time alone. In your time alone, turn your mind to your transcendence. Keep in mind your humblest need for its most-merciful divine cause. Call upon the Lord, and he will answer, whether in words, comfort, or presence. You may be too weak to walk or talk, but as long as you have consciousness and control over your mind, exercise it with the greatest discipline to think only about things above. You have no need to wrestle any longer with earthly things that you must let go to embrace the Lord. Your time is for blissful contemplation of your transcendence, not for dark struggle with things that no longer have any hold on you.
Gratitude
In your solitude, or in any company you may wish, you may find that you need or want to express greater gratitude than you previously have, when you felt greater cause to complain and grumble. Your last days and hours are unquestionably a time to let go of grumbling. Your complaints no longer make any difference. The child who wouldn’t listen to you or the recognition you never received don’t matter. Your relationships and reputation no longer have to do with earthly things. They instead have to do with eternal things, specifically the relationship you have with your rescuer from the pain, problems, and demise that earth brings. And in that rescue, you have your greatest reason for gratitude. You may wish to feel and, if you have it in you, to express gratitude for your time on earth, your relationships on earth, and the many earthly blessings you received and experienced. Counting your blessings is an outstanding way to leave your earthly body for your heavenly body. But even if you can think of nothing for which and no one for whom to be grateful, you have full reason for gratitude in your transcendence. Feel and express gratitude.
Recording
In your last days and hours you may find company to be exhausting and distracting. Yet you may conversely wish to express sentiments such as your loving grace and gratitude. You may or may not have specific persons you wish to thank, forgive, or reassure. You may just want to express your gratitude generally, whether or not anyone hears, reads, or observes it. In that event, consider using your last energies to write notes or to journal. Writing can help you focus on and clarify your thoughts. Don’t write anything in chastisement or correction. Don’t leave a writing that would burden any loved one, enemy, or friend. The time for warning, caution, correction, direction, or instruction has passed. You should have already communicated anything essential, before these last days and hours when your time and energies are for you, not for others. If anything, write a note to your closest loved one and to yourself, reminding them and you of the full grace and entire mercy of your transcendence through the Lord’s exquisite gift.
Comfort
Your last days and hours should be ones of comfort. Whatever needs you have in the way of pain relief or relief from hunger, thirst, or other annoyance or irritation, ask your caretaker to help address them. You should not suffer, if medical care and personal attention can in any way prevent it. If you are able to move around, seek your favorite places of peace and rest, and spend your time there. Ask your caretaker to prepare your favorite place to make it conducive to your comfort, whether with a chair, couch, cushion, blanket, or bed. Ask for peace and quiet if you need it, closing doors, playing music, or even wearing ear coverings if necessary to drown out distractions. Ask to turn on or turn off lights, and open or close blinds and shades, so that the light is appropriately gentle. Ask for blankets if you’re cold and a fan if you’re hot. Don’t hesitate to make yourself as comfortable as possible so that you can focus on things above and the glory you are about to enter.
Consolation
Your last days and hours should also be ones of consolation. You should hope to stay strong to the end. Others, though, will likely be much stronger and more capable than you. You may find your spirit flagging and need assurance from the consoling conversation of your most-trusted relative or friend. In your last days, you likely will have identified who is most effective at knowing and answering your spiritual needs in decline toward passing. That person may be exactly the one you expected, such as your spouse, your especially wise and sensitive adult child, or your pastor. Yet that person may instead be a sibling, cousin, or friend whose sensitivity surprised you. Don’t hesitate to call on that special person to console you again in your last days and hours. When we struggle spiritually, we rightly turn to our spiritual brothers and sisters to draw on their strength. Seeking the consolation of others is more than acceptable. It is highly appropriate and a privilege to the ones who can offer it, when fulfilling your critical needs.
Intimacy
Your last days and hours should also be ones of warmth and intimacy with your closest loved ones. You may wish to have your spouse right at your side, as much as you and your spouse can arrange. You may wish that your children sit with you, simply to share their presence, and perhaps to hold your hand. You may wish to have a last glimpse at the gamboling of your grandchildren. Whatever family intimacy you desire, see if your caretaker can arrange it. Some of our best times can be quiet moments with family members close. If your family members are capable of bringing that kind of peace to you, then try it, cutting it short if it doesn’t work out. If they know and appreciate your condition and desire, they should make a special effort to make it work. Having your closest family members gathered around you one last time can be special for them, too.
Pleasure
Your last days and hours may also appropriately include small pleasures of the type that can trigger good memories and bring reassurance. You may, for instance, benefit from smelling the sweet vapors and tasting the warmth of your favorite hot tea. The condition bringing about your demise may limit your eating and drinking. But small tastes and smells, even from a mint or candy on which to suck, can help you savor the moments. Taste and smell can not only bring back memories but also trigger insights, inspiration, and emotions. Likewise, consider playing your favorite music or having the company of your favorite pet. If you’d like to have a bouquet of special flowers placed beside your bed, your hair brushed, or your special perfume dabbed on the back of your hand, then ask for those kindnesses. If you can tolerate movement and transport, you might like a friend or family member to take you for a short drive to your favorite overlook. Ask your caretaker to arrange for whatever small pleasure comes to mind. While your requests may take some effort to fulfill, they may also give your family members, friends, or caretaker something that they can do for you when otherwise feeling helpless.
Remembrance
You may also want in your last days and hours to prompt remembrances. You may have had events and seasons in your life that produced special memories, such as your wedding, the birth of children and grandchildren, a retirement celebration, or a special trip. You may have had a favorite car, home, or pet, to which you have attached other special memories. If so, then you may want to get out your old photo albums to look through or watch a few family videos. You may want a last visit from a family member or friend to reminisce over those favorite seasons and events. Even having a framed photo or two moved to your bedside can help you dwell on those good memories. You may want to make a special point of gathering and examining family heirlooms, photos of grandparents and great-grandparents, and an old family Bible with your family lineage. Pursue whatever remembrances that reassure, comfort, and console you in your last days and hours.
Divinity
Your greatest need in your last days and hours is to dwell in divinity. You may want to gather around you the Bible that you most often read, the commentaries that best inform you, and the jewelry, images, icons, or other items that remind you of your faith commitments. You may also want to request a visit from your pastor or a family member whose faith expression most resonates with you, so that they can hear your confession again and pray for you and with you, while affirming your own prayers. In your solitude, you may want to pray continually, giving quiet voice or silent thought to your prayers while listening for a heard or felt response. Keep your spiritual eye open for dreams and visions, which so commonly appear at these times to assure a glorious transcendence.
Reflection
In what quiet activities would you most like to engage in your last days and hours? What one or two things would most reassure you of your transcendence, in your last days and hours? Who among your caretakers and family members would most ensure that you get to choose your last activities? Do you need solitude to dwell on your relationship with the Lord and nearing transcendence? Do you appreciate how focusing on gratitude can help prepare and relieve you? Would writing down your gratitude and personal expressions of assurance help you? From what final comforts might you benefit? Do you have painful or irritating conditions that you’d like help relieving? Who among your pastor, family members, and friends can most console and reassure you? Would having your closest family members nearby help you in your last days and hours? What small tastes, smells, sounds, or other pleasures would most encourage you? Do you have photos or heirlooms you’d like near to help you remember? Do you have a Bible and religious items that you’d like at hand to help you pray?
Key Points
You may find several consoling activities in your last days and hours.
Prioritize your activities toward your comfort and reassurance.
Others should generously permit you to choose your last activities.
Don’t hesitate to request solitude to keep your thoughts above.
Pursue and express gratitude rather than grumbling or complaining.
Write down your expression of gratitude and assurance if it helps.
Ask for your caretaker’s help ensuring your relief and comfort.
Request consoling visits from your pastor and spiritual friends.
Accept intimate family gatherings that leave you in peace.
Small tastes, smells, and similar pleasures can bring back memories.
Photo albums and family heirlooms can trigger remembrances.
Keep your Bible and related religious items at hand for prayer.